Showing posts with label Canada. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Canada. Show all posts

Saturday, September 14, 2013

History of American Football

A Shadow History of American Football | Cracked.com:

"a recent study found that as many as 100 percent of NFL players are men. Ladies, don't you like football? Here are some leagues that don't require a certain percentage of hair on the chest.

Canadian Football League -- Rules are generally the same, but there are only three downs and players apologize for tackling each other. Also, cross-checking is not allowed. In CFL play, a team may not have more than one moose in its defensive line unless the offense includes a bear.

Derpy football is the second-most entertaining football.

The XFL -- This is what happens when you make the CFL angry. Mister, you wouldn't like the CFL when it's angry. (I apologize for making two Hulk jokes in succession, but this is the world we live in now.)

Legends Football League -- To show more respect for its players, the LFL changed its name from the Lingerie Football League and removed all pink bows from the lingerie. Known for its exceptionally vicious play, it includes special rules, like an automatic first down after putting Nair in a player's helmet. There is also a same-side 5-yard penalty for talking about a teammate behind her back, although this is waived if you can't believe that bitch Jessica would do something like this to you; you thought she was your best friend.

Tiny-Mite Pop Warner League -- Known primarily for its running game, this team of 4- to 6-year-olds found itself utterly crushed in an All-Star exhibition game against the NFC East.

Wikipedia

Pop refused to look at them out of disgust (at both their performance and their crumpled little collarbones).

Fantasy Football -- Christ, this is depressing. It's Dungeons & Dragons minus a story and with even more stats. Unless you play this for money, consider doing something more productive with your time, like molesting dolphins. I know that will offend some readers, but I'm not worried, because I just rolled 20 to defend against Impotent Rage spells.

The LXF -- The League of Extraordinary Footballers is composed entirely of football players from fiction who band together to defeat Raiders, Buccaneers, and Bill Belichick. This true fantasy league re-emerges every 20 years or so to defy everyone who says they'll never make something of themselves. Star players include the Waterboy, The Replacements-edition Keanu Reeves, and the entire cast of Friday Night Lights, who may be doomed to heartbreak, but dammit, they're going to win this game."

(Via Louisville's Independent Media / LNOradio.com.)